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April 13, 2019
8:24 AM - Ella's Bellas
...the music SCREAMS, why do young folk like frenetic music in the morning...I just researched fish stews and found a Bouillabaisse recipe that looks interesting, I will make it tomorrow for Sunday dinner...J can't believe the Better Than Sex Tea is almost gone, sex sells, even if it is in name only, I ask, is it, She replies, probably not...we saw First Man last night, a somewhat jaded look at the moon landing through the Neil Armstrong lens, not a completely flattering depiction of the achievement, the scenes on the moon bleak and lonely...whitey on the moon, whitey on the moon, an African American man chanted at one point, questioning national priorities, a good movie, H remembers watching the moon landing with her dad, important memories, the only legitimate reason to go to space is to gain a new perspective, it doesn't seem to have done humanity much good...
April 12, 2019
8:06 AM - Ella's Bellas
...mad, funny and selfish, I approve, says J to a co-worker...in the refrigerator, Spindrift cucumber seltzer, rare and illusive, rumor has it the manufacturer has stopped making it, a commodity tragedy, I and everyone I know thinks it the best flavor...a long internal debate across the morning, will I get my blood work done today? I intended to, I brought the script, but fear-mind has talked logic-mind out of it, you drank last night, you ate desert last night, you are tired, you have too much to do, avoidance BS, my so called rational mind giving in to fear of what lurks in the darkness within...there is a counter narrative, voice weak and timid, it says everything may be normal, it says if it isn't, knowledge is power, knowledge makes action possible, action corrects...this narrative is no match for fear-mind today, tomorrow I tell myself, Monday for sure...in my news feed this morning the first ever image of a blackhole, it is not impressive until you read how massive it is, a cosmic calamity of mythic proportions, the calamity of humanity put in perspective...an exotically beautiful African American woman walks in, frizzy hair piled up on top of her head, dark gray smock dress, blue leggings, young, tall, thin...she wonders what's good, M tells her what his preference would be, she is uncertain, then decides to trust him, if she likes it, a connection has been made, he has taken a risk, the connection seems desired...
April 11, 2019
7:46 AM - Trax Coffee Shop
...the back of my throat at the nasal passage is dry and sore, cold coming?..two women enter, mother and daughter? sisters? friends? there are similarities, one talks, the other listens, the one talking avoids my eyes, I have looked up because of the noise they carried in with them...hiss of the cappuccino machine, metal chair scraping across the floor...just now a thought about the work of art I am making, how much I have invested in it, how much someone would have to invest to take it in...life's brutal ambiguity requires the triumph of the impulse and not of the will, to be a corpse, to be metaphysically fooled*..is this the same as my idea that we must do what we feel compelled to do, not what we discipline ourselves to do? but really, isn't all action about compulsion and isn't the conscious mind the handmaid of desire?..
* E. M. Cioran, A Short History of Decay
April 10, 2019
8:30 AM - Ella's Bellas
...salon last night, K asked who will care about these private thoughts, I have two answers, why does that matter? and, someone I hope...but who would invest the time to read, look through it all, nobody I suspect...the idea that everything has to be useful, marketable, have an audience, or it isn't worth doing...a customer tells J he has never seen her without her glasses on, this leads her to the story of getting her driver's license and finding out she couldn't really see, and that other people are not like that, which came as a surprise to her and her dad...I wonder how you get that old and never have your eyes checked when there must have been hints, learning difficulties, sports difficulties...feeling sad about cashing in a small retirement account to pay taxes, about the current health anomalies, because H has been sad, because there was a small turnout at Salon last night...
April 09, 2019
8:31 AM - Trax Coffee Shop
...I expected my weight to be down more, oh well, keep working at it, you will get there...UVa won the national basketball championship last night, another buzzer beater, overtime thriller...I am being congratulated by family and friends, I wonder why, I had nothing to do with it, I graduated forty years ago, the basketball team is my one tenuous connection...atmospheric fog today...orange-headphones-woman is here, I haven't seen her in a long time...I feel good about this project, it does what I want it to do, will anyone else be interested? I don't know, I don't care, you make what you make, it's the only honest way, still, I think about the time investment, 50 to 60 hours a week, is this really how I want to spend down my time account? the longer it runs the more significant it is, I tell myself, again, I wonder, will anyone be interested, I don't know, I don't know, I don't care, this is what I have chosen to do, this is my I-am-I-said, this is my heart singing...
April 08, 2019
8:07 AM - Ella's Bellas
...sleepy, wet, Monday...Lojong: sending and taking should be practiced alternately, these should ride the breath...Tonglen practice is being described, breathe in, absorb the pain of others, breathe out, send happiness to others...I am apprehensive about getting blood work done, going to see the cardiologist, I don't want to need a cardiologist...a young man on his way from the bathroom to a seat up front stops and asks if I have heard of George Bruno, I tell him I haven't, he admires my handwriting, asks if I am using a fountain pen, pencil I tell him, I think it odd that he can't tell the difference...apparently GB loves fountain pens, posts videos on Youtube, is a guru of some kind...after the young man leaves I google GB, he is a former therapist, world class hair styler, certified change coach and has a highly rated Youtube channel called Gray Bailey, should I take this as a message from the universe and look further into this man who smacks of cult leader to me?..and now I remember a conversation from my walk, a man came up to me as I stood in front of an abandoned house, he asks if I want to hear something interesting, he tells me he talked with two bankers standing out front the other day, they showed him inside the front door, the entire house is filled with junk, a hoarder situation, there is no way to get in, they think the entire house is full, every floor, I wondered if it would collapse soon...
April 07, 2019
8:04 AM - Trax Coffee Shop
...UVA won last night, buzzer beater, exciting...E for dinner, we rarely see him or his wife, they live in California now, they used to live next door...I deboned a goat leg this morning, more difficult than I thought, the bone angles through the meat in an odd way, no, odd is not right, the leg is perfect, I am what's odd...H's art opening yesterday, her paintings had a prime spot, the spot that is meant to catch your attention as you walk through the door...there were several fisherman on the banks of Fishkill Creek this morning, I asked one of them if it was opening day, he said April 1st, I asked if anything was biting, no bites for him but his brother had some, I look around for his brother, only an African American man, the man I am talking to is white, brothers by adoption? half brothers? or maybe his brother has left...