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April 06, 2019
8:24 AM - Ella's Bellas
...strange email asking if I plan to watch the game today, who are you? I reply, I don't know what that is, the answer, a bot, how did they know to ask me that question, I delete it, then think I should have reported as spam...thoughtful walk, thinking about my slightly anomalous EKG, nothing to be worried about the doctor said, see the cardiologist the doctor said, an abundance of caution the doctor said...a father calling his little girl, telling her she can't sit at that table, someone is sitting there, I realize the table is mine and I am that someone, I realize that I have taken their table, which is my table...
April 05, 2019
7:36 AM - Trax Coffee Shop
...happy birthday to me...chilly and gray, but more a spring chilly than a winter chilly... an article about designer organisms in Economist Magazine, some hope that big problems can be solved, some fear it will cause others, I think it will easily run amok, that there is more to be afraid of than excited about, I have no faith that greed and thirst for power won't push it in dangerous directions... fb birthday greetings pouring in... I believe it possible technologies will overtake us... a mom and her son, she, getting his breakfast together, he, anxiously overseeing the process and giving her instructions, he, on his knees on the leather couch, stripped pants that look like pajama bottoms, a taupe/gray color scheme, fire-engine-red boots, close cropped strawberry blond hair, mom in the bathroom for a long time, he calls her, she comes from somewhere behind me, maybe not the bathroom, she, with dark brown hair pulled back in pony tail, gray jacket, black leggings, gray sneakers with bright white cushion souls, fur around the hood of her jacket, she is fit, thirty-something... now they are out the door...
April 04, 2019
8:06 AM - Ella's Bellas
... feeling depressed, writer's group panned the new formatting, this formatting, I was excited about it, they, all of them, thought otherwise, hard to know if the reaction is about breaking rules they don't want broken, or if it is clear indication this is not a step forward... I continue to think it is working, is doing what I want it to, I realize it makes a difference to experience it with the images as opposed to page after page of text... I sent an email to S asking her to look at this page, asking her if it changes anything for her... this morning a blog post from Hamburger Eyes wondering if publishing a photo in social media ruins it for print publication, I told him I wasn't sure it was a real problem, two different ways to present, one where immediacy is the strength, one where considered sequencing and formatting is the strength, each will "speak" with the image in a different way... I struggle with the immediacy of social media, I need considered formatting and sequencing... fragmentation continues to be the theme of the week, doctor appointments, driver's license renewal, car registration renewal, I try to schedule them for minimum impact, still they disrupt... reading an article on Rupert Murdoch and boom, there it was, the moment news reporting changed for the worse, the elimination of the Fairness Doctrine during the Regan administration, which opened the pandora's box to outright propagandizing, to right wing radio hosts, to the 24 hour news cycle...
April 03, 2019
8:54 AM - Beacon Pantry
...feeling good this morning, my eye exam went well, not much change, nothing to worry about, annual physical tomorrow, no reason to think it won't go as well... sunny and warm... S discussing staffing with employees, not sure I want to be in on the conversation, it seems there is the possibility of free teenage labor to fulfill community service requirements for stupid teenage behavior, is helping a for profit business community service... J walks in, we say good morning, he mentions something about learning Italian, I ask if he is planning a trip to Italy, he tells me he plans to go to Sicily... my birthday week has become more complicated than I would like, what can I do...
April 02, 2019
8:11 AM - Bigmouth Coffee Roasters
Weight: 221.2 lbs
...almost back to pre Augie-death weight, over two weeks to do it, I am determined to cross the 220 line... annoyingly busy day today, conference call, eye doctor appointment, broken... H up as I am getting ready to head out... the walk of sorrow today, we call it that because we so often see depressed persons walking this stretch, I have been told they come from Hedgewood Assisted Living, people who are not quite independent, not need institutionalization... I find myself getting irritated and anxious when routine is disrupted, I worry about becoming a crotchety old person who's routines can't be disturbed without there being trouble, H worries too, I try to tell myself it is about the commitment I have made to the work, that I have too much invested, that I must keep the routine... Lojong this week tells me to be a child of illusion, I am supposed to do this when I finish meditation and find the world returns heavy and solid, I am supposed to recognize that all is pliable, bendable, shiftable, and that I don't have to feel hemmed in, not that I have ever been successful enough at meditation to have that experience, but what if I like being hemmed in, what if I like the routines...
April 01, 2019
8:23 AM - Ella's Bellas
Weight: 224.4 lbs
...same weight three days running, glass half full, no loss, but gain is more likely on weekends because I drink... climbed the mountain stairs this morning, ice at the top, there will be more further up... Chas very restless last night, jumped on and off the bed a dozen times, then went downstairs by himself, which meant I had to get up and let him out as he was probably looking to pee, 4:00 AM, not sure I wanted to be up that early, but oh well, continuing to feel annoyed by routine disruptions... H pokes her head in my studio, disruption... my birthday week begins, on Friday I turn 64, I don't feel 64 but then I don't know how old I do feel, I will go to AIPAD in the city on Friday, then out for a nice dinner, SH recommended seeing the Alec Soth curated exhibit when I go... as I walked this morning I thought about work I might do on the house while H is on Block Island in June, kitchen renovation and back stair reconstruction are the principle contenders... I think also about the sample pack of handmade Japanese paper I will receive today for test printing my 52 Project... what shall we do, what shall we do, with all this useless beauty, Elvis Costello sings mournfully in my head, thoughts about Augie's death arise, I don't know why these are connected... I think about the small 401K account I may take a payout from to cover taxes owed and possibly buy new computers for H and myself, we are both living on borrowed time, the latest operating system release doesn't support our hardware... now I am thinking about four submissions I have made and wait to hear about and that the continuous checking of email for notification has begun...
March 31, 2019
8:56 AM - Trax Coffee Shop
Weight: 222.4 lbs
...an English couple and their son, accents lead me to think they are well educated and possibly upper class, casual, well coordinated clothing, dad and little boy wearing cardigans with collars upturned around their necks... feeling out of sorts, maybe a little depressed, staying up to watch basketball has me out of sync with my routine, I stay up late and can't get up as early as I like to, which sets everything else back, not that watching my team prevail in a very close game isn't worth it, buzzer beater, overtime, game narrowly won, my brother watched in Florida and we texted along the way... gray, breezy, warm, rain is coming, I have my poncho with me just in case... I ordered a bunch of lamb and goat this morning, I have to roast goat for a crowd at the end of the month and needed a test run, I will serve it to family this weekend... I have a gift for you says a woman to her companions, she describes it but I can't hear what she says... a bump in the paper, crumb of some kind, I page backwards until I find and remove the offending bit as the Princess and the Pea pops into my head, I have forgotten the plot, Wikipedia informs me that the princess is confirmed a true princess by her excessive sensitivity to a pea buried under a bevy of mattresses and pillow tops, only a true princess is so sensitive, once confirmed she marries the handsome prince, I am guessing the fable isn't popular among millennial parents, are millennials parents yet?... it has started to rain...